Clubjazz - Honda Jazz & HR-V Forums
Other Hondas & General Topics => Off Topic (Non-Honda) => Topic started by: Westy36 on January 28, 2021, 05:51:57 PM
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:D
**does contain one mild expletive**
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Here's one for you. I don't know why but I immediately thought of Jocko (Sorry!)
...he seems the mischievous type ;)
Pensioner's reply re Tesco
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled by my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCO.
Better watch out what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
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A true story (or at least so he says)
A friend of mine, now deceased, (not I trust as a result of his story) was on a climbing trip to northern Norway maybe 50 years ago.
They bought some supplies from a local butcher and found the local black pudding to their taste and even better it was cheap.
The purchase of this black pudding for breakfast became a regular occurence.
After several trips to the butcher my friend noticed the butcher leaning over the counter and, overcoming the language barrier, asked the butcher what he was doing. With equal language difficulty the butcher explained that he was looking for George's dog. " Every time you come in you buy the food for the dog but I never see your dog"
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:D
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This sums up how some people behave these days! ;D ;D
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;D
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Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.
:D :D :D :D
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I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y
:D :D :D :D
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A vicar, a rabbit & a priest walk into a pub. The barman asks the rabbit what he'd like to drink. 'Dunno', he said. 'I'm only here because of autocorrect'
;D ;D
PS:I had to read that three times to get it !!
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:D
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There is an age old question which has caused arguments between women and men since time immemorial, it is this:
Which is more painful... the pain of childbirth, or a kick in the balls?
After very careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the answer is that a kick up the goolies must hurt more. The reasoning for this revelation is as follows.
A year or two after having a child, many women will be heard to remark, "it would be nice to have another baby!"
However, once a fellow has been booted in the conkers, not once have I heard any of them ever say, "it would be nice to be kicked in the balls again..."
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;D
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Estimated size of a tin of Quality Street, Christmas 2050
(https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CWfiLcQWcAAb31W.jpg)
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Wasn't sure of this pic was acceptable. I think it's borderline.
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The name's Bond. James Bond.
And you are...?
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I think I'm sailing a bit close to the breeze with this one... ::)
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Makes sense to me!
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8)
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The late, great Dave Allen. He was on BBC2 last night for 2½ hours, should be on iplayer.
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A sheep, a drum and a snake get thrown off a cliff: baa dumm, tss.
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One of my all times favourites:
Q: What did the slug say to the snail ?
A: Big Issue !
:D :D :D
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:D
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Now we've found the level...
A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey… and a cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”
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Q. What did the slug say to the snail?
A. Big Issue.
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Q. What did the slug say to the snail?
A. Big Issue.
I think I just had déjà vu ;D
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Again?
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D'oh
Sorry- (just read The Oldie)....but not previous posts!
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Q. What did the Snail say to the Slug?
A. Not you again!
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I received a letter from the British Origami Society today. I don't know what to make of it.
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A vicar, a rabbit & a priest walk into a pub. The barman asks the rabbit what he'd like to drink. 'Dunno', he said. 'I'm only here because of autocorrect'
Another version of this classic...
A vicar, a rabbit, and a priest walk into the blood donation clinic. The nurse asks the rabbit, "What's your blood type?"
The rabbit replies, "I'm probably a type O"
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:D
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Q. What did the Snail say to the Slug?
A. Shell we dance!
Or Shell we slip away together
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Q. What did the snail say when He lost his Shell.
A. I’m feeling sluggish
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How do oysters make love?
Shellfishly.
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Poker
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Any art critics out there?
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I think I just had a scam phone call.
An automated voice telling me I had won either £250 cash or two tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute show, and that I had to press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.
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How many Elvis impersonators does it take to change a light bulb?
1 for the money 2 for the show
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Broken Bolt
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Apparently, it’s the law to put your headlights on when it is raining in Sweden.
How the heck am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
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Apparently, it’s the law to put your headlights on when it is raining in Sweden.
How the heck am I supposed to know when it’s raining in Sweden?
:D nice one
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So there was this praying mantis having a drink in a bar.
The bartender asked, 'do you want another one'?
He replies, 'might as well - she's going to bite my head off anyway'.
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I was going to make a joke about Sodium. But I thought Na, no one will get it. :D :D :D
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I was going to make a joke about Sodium. But I thought Na, no one will get it. :D :D :D
You can get into hot water with sodium jokes....
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A vacuum flask keeps hot liquids hot and cold liquids cold.
How does it know :D
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A vacuum flask keeps hot liquids hot and cold liquids cold.
How does it know :D
I got brother-in-law a vacuum flask many years ago, he asked what it did - I said it can keep hot things hot and cold things cold, he came round for a barbecue and he had his flask with him, I said nice to see you using the flask, what have you got in it, he said tea and ice cream.....
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A Polish man walks into Specsavers for an eye test. The optician shows him the test card, and on it says:
"C Z W J X N Y S A C Z"
The optician then asks him "Can you read that?"
The Polish man says "Read it? ......I know the bloke"!
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Me and the wife have just got back from the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.
Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the last twenty minutes
;D ;D
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Why is there only one monopolies commission !!
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I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.
"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.
"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.
"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and
made passionate love.
While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice
guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"
I said, "My wife found out."
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What does an Occasional Table become when it's not a table?
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Why is it that :
If you buy a pair of socks you get two.
If you buy a pair of shorts you only get one !
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What does an Occasional Table become when it's not a table?
"An Infinite Number of Occasional Tables"
I've got an occasional table
There it is over there
You can tell it's an occasional table
Today's its day off, it's a chair
I've got an occasional table
I can't seem to get it to settle
It's all been a bit unexpected
I thought I was buying a kettle
I took it upstairs on the bus
I always get the bus back from town
It was then it turned into a wardrobe
Took six of us to get it back down
I've got an occasional table
But some of the time I've not
I always rush me dinner
You never know how long you've got
I think I might have another
It skews the element of doubt
It's the kind of occasional table
That's only in when you're out
I thought if I had two they might breed
I'd really quite fancy a set
But with them both being occasional
I don't think they've actually met
I've got some occasional tables
I'm never quite sure where they are
I'd quite like to have a settie
But so far they've not gone so far
I think therefore I am
All we believe stems from this
Except my occasional table
Which only occasionally is
Perhaps there's a parallel universe
Where they all go to live quite a lot
Where they're called usual tables
And only occasionally not
An infinite number of occasional tables
Well then sure there was always one there
I've got an occasional table
Look, here it is, it's a chair
(Les Barker)
Here's him performing it:
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(Les Barker)
Brilliant and very funny! :D Thanks for the video link.
Reminded me of Victoria Wood. She could have set that to a tune on a piano to great effect.
Have you seen this? Lovely stuff.
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Oh, yes! "The Ballad of Barry and Freda" has been a favourite of mine for many many years.
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The wonderful Les Barker. I saw him at a festival in the 80s. One of the 3 times in my life I've been completely helpless with laughter. I was lucky enough to be given his CD Guide Cats for the Blind.
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The wonderful Les Barker. I saw him at a festival in the 80s. One of the 3 times in my life I've been completely helpless with laughter. I was lucky enough to be given his CD Guide Cats for the Blind.
There are at least four CD sets in the Guide Cats series.
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My Mother used to collect silver paper for charity - it was always for 'Blind Dogs for the Guides' !
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I heard that a forest ranger was attacked yesterday.
Police say his condition is stable but he's not out of the woods yet!
:D :D :D
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I bought a Chameleon the other day....but the damm thing does'nt change colour......
so I took it to the vets and he said ' Its ok...Its just a bit of reptile dysfunction.....
hahahahaha
8)
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The RSPCA was puzzled by the number of dead crows being found on roads, they had been hit by a moving vehicle while tucking into roadkill. Even more puzzling when they examined the birds closely was that most had flecks of paint on them, but only from motorbikes, not cars.... They decided to watch the crows and see what was happening - well they noticed that the crows ( clever birds ) always posted a lookout to warn the others when traffic was approaching. They found that the crows could make a Caw noise, but they hadn't learned how to say 'motorbike' yet....
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If we are not supposed to drink WD40, why does it come with a straw?
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To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I'll find you .....
...... you have my Word
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If we are not supposed to drink WD40, why does it come with a straw?
it is to give you a straw to clutch at if you are reduced to using WD-40
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If we are not supposed to drink WD40, why does it come with a straw?
it is to give you a straw to clutch at if you are reduced to using WD-40
What's the difference between WD-40 and varnish? About three weeks.
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If we are not supposed to drink WD40, why does it come with a straw?
it is to give you a straw to clutch at if you are reduced to using WD-40
What's the difference between WD-40 and varnish? About three weeks.
That is so true, the maintenance department at one company I worked at banned WD-40 from the site, after initially being used as a lubricant it ended up sticking things together. I am surprised Evostick did not take over WD for the recipe. To be fair WD is an anti corrosive coating that disperses any water ( WD = Water Dispersant, and it was the 40th recipe they tried hence the '40' ) and then leaves a sticky coating behind to discourage corrosion ( a side effect is that the coating is a very effective 'dirt magnet' ). Trouble is it is now sold as 'snake oil' being the cure-all for everything.
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If we are not supposed to drink WD40, why does it come with a straw?
it is to give you a straw to clutch at if you are reduced to using WD-40
What's the difference between WD-40 and varnish? About three weeks.
That is so true, the maintenance department at one company I worked at banned WD-40 from the site, after initially being used as a lubricant it ended up sticking things together. I am surprised Evostick did not take over WD for the recipe. To be fair WD is an anti corrosive coating that disperses any water ( WD = Water Dispersant, and it was the 40th recipe they tried hence the '40' ) and then leaves a sticky coating behind to discourage corrosion ( a side effect is that the coating is a very effective 'dirt magnet' ). Trouble is it is now sold as 'snake oil' being the cure-all for everything.
This joke not funny ;)
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If we are not supposed to drink WD40, why does it come with a straw?
it is to give you a straw to clutch at if you are reduced to using WD-40
What's the difference between WD-40 and varnish? About three weeks.
That is so true, the maintenance department at one company I worked at banned WD-40 from the site, after initially being used as a lubricant it ended up sticking things together. I am surprised Evostick did not take over WD for the recipe. To be fair WD is an anti corrosive coating that disperses any water ( WD = Water Dispersant, and it was the 40th recipe they tried hence the '40' ) and then leaves a sticky coating behind to discourage corrosion ( a side effect is that the coating is a very effective 'dirt magnet' ). Trouble is it is now sold as 'snake oil' being the cure-all for everything.
And things are even more confused as other lubricants (silicone oil, lithium grease) are also being sold under the WD-40 brand nowadays.
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Guy from Texas visiting England, looking around his English friends 2000 acre Estate, boasting that 'this little ol' patch of land would fit into a corner of my cattle ranch, it takes me all day just to drive round my property' - the Englishman laughed and said, 'yeah, I used to have a car like that'....
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I hadn't driven my car for a while due to lockdown and I just couldn't remember how to get the seatbelt on. Then suddenly it clicked.
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Customer: "Are these knickers satin?"
Sales-person: "No madam, they are brand new!"
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I want, nay, need to stop this horse from interrupting me.
Also, thanks to whoever explained the meaning of cornucopia to me. It means a lot!
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(https://i.imgur.com/UbkxQJH.jpg)
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Looks more like 'flat-out tired'
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.
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Car related?
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(https://i.imgur.com/YOPz0Iz.jpg)
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(https://i.imgur.com/gzkWfY9.jpg)
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I might go for a jog later
I might also win the lottery this evening
The odds on both are about the same
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Anyone remember the buzzwords "Northern Powerhouse" from a few years back? (Is it still even a thing?).
Paddy McGuinness: "Chris, is it possible for anyone to beat Northern Powerhouse's amazing deals on home electrical appliances?"
Chris Kamara: "I don't know Paddy, I don't think they can! :D :D"
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Top Gear is a joke.
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Top gear used to be a serious sensible program about cars until Jeremy Clarkson started the rot. I am not interested in silly stunts!
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I find most car programs tend to feature cars I will never be able to afford, or even want.
If they concentrated on the run of the mill family cars and broadcast sensible side by side reviews .....