Author Topic: A joke.  (Read 10613 times)

Westy36

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A joke.
« on: January 28, 2021, 05:51:57 PM »
 :D

**does contain one mild expletive**

sparky Paul

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #1 on: January 28, 2021, 06:21:15 PM »
Here's one for you. I don't know why but I immediately thought of Jocko (Sorry!)

...he seems the mischievous type  ;)

Quote
Pensioner's reply re Tesco

Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local TESCO store buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now enthralled by my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCO.

Better watch out what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
« Last Edit: March 03, 2021, 05:25:35 PM by sparky Paul »

JimSh

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #2 on: January 28, 2021, 10:58:26 PM »
A true story (or at least so he says)
A friend of mine, now deceased, (not I trust as a result of his story) was on a climbing trip to northern Norway maybe 50 years ago.
They bought some supplies from a local butcher and found the local black pudding to their taste and even better it was cheap.
The purchase of this black pudding for breakfast became a regular occurence.
 After several  trips to the butcher my friend noticed the butcher leaning over the counter and, overcoming the language barrier, asked the butcher what he was doing. With equal language difficulty the butcher explained that he was looking for George's dog. " Every time you come in you buy the food for the dog but I never see your dog"
« Last Edit: January 29, 2021, 08:56:36 AM by JimSh »

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #3 on: January 29, 2021, 11:13:37 AM »
 :D

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2021, 10:54:51 AM »
This sums up how some people behave these days! ;D ;D

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #5 on: February 18, 2021, 08:47:30 PM »
 ;D

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2021, 05:20:34 PM »
 
Q. What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.



 :D :D :D :D

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #7 on: February 23, 2021, 08:31:23 PM »
I'm only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don't know Y

 :D :D :D :D

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #8 on: February 25, 2021, 12:05:18 PM »
A vicar, a rabbit & a priest walk into a pub. The barman asks the rabbit what he'd like to drink. 'Dunno', he said. 'I'm only here because of autocorrect'
 
 ;D ;D
PS:I had to read that three times to get it !!

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #9 on: March 02, 2021, 08:35:29 PM »
  :D

sparky Paul

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #10 on: March 02, 2021, 09:13:04 PM »
There is an age old question which has caused arguments between women and men since time immemorial, it is this:

Which is more painful... the pain of childbirth, or a kick in the balls?

After very careful consideration, I have come to the conclusion that the answer is that a kick up the goolies must hurt more. The reasoning for this revelation is as follows.

A year or two after having a child, many women will be heard to remark, "it would be nice to have another baby!"

However, once a fellow has been booted in the conkers, not once have I heard any of them ever say, "it would be nice to be kicked in the balls again..."
« Last Edit: March 03, 2021, 03:51:09 PM by sparky Paul »

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #11 on: March 03, 2021, 11:22:50 AM »
 ;D

sparky Paul

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #12 on: March 03, 2021, 12:08:41 PM »
Estimated size of a tin of Quality Street, Christmas 2050


« Last Edit: March 04, 2021, 04:00:29 PM by sparky Paul »

richardfrost

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #13 on: March 03, 2021, 03:43:01 PM »
Wasn't sure of this pic was acceptable. I think it's borderline.


richardfrost

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2021, 04:12:29 PM »
The name's Bond. James Bond.

And you are...?


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