Author Topic: A joke.  (Read 10606 times)

culzean

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #45 on: April 23, 2021, 04:39:06 PM »
A vacuum flask keeps hot liquids hot and cold liquids cold.

How does it know  :D

I got brother-in-law a vacuum flask many years ago, he asked what it did - I said it can keep hot things hot and cold things cold,  he came round for a barbecue and he had his flask with him, I said nice to see you using the flask, what have you got in it, he said tea and ice cream.....
Some people will only consider you an expert if they agree with your point of view or advice,  when you give them advice they don't like they consider you an idiot

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #46 on: May 06, 2021, 09:31:03 PM »
A Polish man walks into Specsavers for an eye test. The optician shows him the test card, and on it says:

"C Z W J X N Y S A C Z"
The optician then asks him "Can you read that?"

The Polish man says "Read it? ......I know the bloke"!

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #47 on: May 13, 2021, 09:12:09 AM »
Me and the wife have just got back from the cinema to see that film, Suffragette.

Two hours of a woman's struggle........full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.

Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park, we rushed in and caught the last twenty minutes

 ;D ;D

Derkie54

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #48 on: May 22, 2021, 01:03:37 PM »
Why is there only one monopolies commission !!
It will be alright in the end, if it's not alright then it's not the end !

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #49 on: May 22, 2021, 01:47:06 PM »
I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night, "Can I buy you a drink?" I asked.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends.

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her.

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a Cider please.

A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and
made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice
guy and amazing in bed, can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?"

I said, "My wife found out."

ColinS

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #50 on: May 22, 2021, 07:40:45 PM »
What does an Occasional Table become when it's not a table?

Derkie54

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #51 on: May 22, 2021, 08:47:29 PM »
Why is it that :
If you buy a pair of socks you get two.
If you buy a pair of shorts you only get one !
« Last Edit: May 22, 2021, 08:49:13 PM by Derkie54 »
It will be alright in the end, if it's not alright then it's not the end !

nowster

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #52 on: May 22, 2021, 08:57:17 PM »
What does an Occasional Table become when it's not a table?

"An Infinite Number of Occasional Tables"

I've got an occasional table
There it is over there
You can tell it's an occasional table
Today's its day off, it's a chair

I've got an occasional table
I can't seem to get it to settle
It's all been a bit unexpected
I thought I was buying a kettle

I took it upstairs on the bus
I always get the bus back from town
It was then it turned into a wardrobe
Took six of us to get it back down

I've got an occasional table
But some of the time I've not
I always rush me dinner
You never know how long you've got

I think I might have another
It skews the element of doubt
It's the kind of occasional table
That's only in when you're out

I thought if I had two they might breed
I'd really quite fancy a set
But with them both being occasional
I don't think they've actually met

I've got some occasional tables
I'm never quite sure where they are
I'd quite like to have a settie
But so far they've not gone so far

I think therefore I am
All we believe stems from this
Except my occasional table
Which only occasionally is

Perhaps there's a parallel universe
Where they all go to live quite a lot
Where they're called usual tables
And only occasionally not

An infinite number of occasional tables
Well then sure there was always one there
I've got an occasional table
Look, here it is, it's a chair

(Les Barker)

Here's him performing it:

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #53 on: May 22, 2021, 09:26:43 PM »
(Les Barker)

Brilliant and very funny!  :D Thanks for the video link.

Reminded me of Victoria Wood. She could have set that to a tune on a piano to great effect.

Have you seen this? Lovely stuff.


nowster

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #54 on: May 23, 2021, 12:41:52 AM »
Oh, yes! "The Ballad of Barry and Freda" has been a favourite of mine for many many years.

springswood

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #55 on: May 23, 2021, 08:36:05 AM »
The wonderful Les Barker. I saw him at a festival in the 80s. One of the 3 times in my life I've been completely helpless with laughter. I was lucky enough to be given his CD Guide Cats for the Blind.
"Indecision is a terrible thing"
Or is it? What do you think?

nowster

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #56 on: May 23, 2021, 10:27:22 AM »
The wonderful Les Barker. I saw him at a festival in the 80s. One of the 3 times in my life I've been completely helpless with laughter. I was lucky enough to be given his CD Guide Cats for the Blind.
There are at least four CD sets in the Guide Cats series.

Andrew_in_Wales

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #57 on: May 24, 2021, 10:18:48 PM »
My Mother used to collect silver paper for charity - it was always for 'Blind Dogs for the Guides' !

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #58 on: July 09, 2021, 09:03:43 PM »
I heard that a forest ranger was attacked yesterday.

Police say his condition is stable but he's not out of the woods yet!

 :D :D :D

Westy36

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Re: A joke.
« Reply #59 on: July 09, 2021, 09:04:56 PM »
I bought a Chameleon the other day....but the damm thing does'nt change colour......

so I took it to the vets and he said ' Its ok...Its just a bit of reptile dysfunction.....

hahahahaha

 8)

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